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24, Male
St. Johns AZ
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I am a crazy fluffy orange squirrel. Be warned i am here to return Newgrounds to a more savory place like was in 2007. You don't like my reviews? Make better games. If your a troll, don't waste my time.

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Level 12 Game Developer
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I am sure as many of you folks here at Newgrounds know, I am tough critic.

Do people deserve this treatment, some would argue no. Yet I press on, regardless of what they think. I am here to be that dissenter. The one that shouts Booooooooooo at every crap performance while the Proverbial dotting mothers and fathers try to give encouragement. If you came to NEWGROUNDS with this expectation in mind then clearly you are too young to remember the rough and tumble website this used to be. We used to blam shit here, emphasis on shit.

Well Flash is dying, hell at this point its practically in the grave. 21 gun salute folks its been a good run with it. But don't worry dear reader we still have hope for out on the horizon for the amazingness that is the INDIE scene. There are quite the menagerie of new things to work with, Stencl, GameMaker, Ludum Dare, Flixle, and many many more. But one has gotten as much attention as Flash has, perhaps more. Its fairly easy to understand and has huge potential just like Flash did back in 2000. Unity. DUN DUN DUN DAAAAAA! This lovely little program has been getting praise as much as derision, but why? Well I and fellow but far more talented game reviewers have noticed, unity has become the vessel for the unscrupulous or the just plain lazy. hoping to cash in on as much money on Steam green light as humanly possible with as much minimal effort. But we are not talking about those fuckers now are we? :)

No what I am talking about is this strange thing on newgrounds something I haven't seen since I was like ah geezz I don't know 12? There has been a flood of Unity games lately, I am sure you have noticed, these innocuous looking games that either look plain boring in there Thumbnail or the ones that actually draw you in, then you see that logo, and the loading screen... in all cases these games are apparently MASSIVE as they take forever and a day to load, the longest clocking in at 10 MINUETS! I had to keep checking while watching YouTube or other Newgrounds Movies just to insure that it had not timed out. Either way, whether its 10 minuets or 1 minuet, why do they take so damn long to load? That in itself can already drive the low attention span of the internet goers into, strain to actually care, mode. AH but then you get to the actually game HORRAY! You are met with a either a decent flash like menu or something very rudimentary indeed. This can be telling of your experience to expect almost immediately. Now while its true that you should never judge a book by its cover, these aren't books... now a days, and especially with video games. You need to wow us almost immediately, for us to even give two shits. A lot of us have really seen almost everything and anything through all the genres we care to enjoy. And if your title screen looks like every other then you really are just not trying enough. Make it pop, make it interesting, have a logo, or some kind of interactivity for god sakes. well then after that you are met with the game. Look I am going to be brutally honest with you folks, i have played probably about 50 of these Unity, first time making a game, games. Just about every single one of them felt and played the god damn same, with little differences here and there. But honestly they look, they control, and they feel so similar they almost all blend into a single smear of memory. Its always the same semi-slippery, floaty, glitchfest, design flaw ridden, single screen nonsense. Again with differences in tone and feel, but some are nearly carbon copies of each other I swear.

Its hard to make games, I know. It takes so much time and effort to make a quality one. So much care in something that's unique, and has its own idea of what its wants to be. Some times it takes months, even years to get the lighting in the bottle that makes a memorable game. Could it be unity's engine that makes these games feel the same or are we dealing with folks that think that the demo, "try me" buttons in the code spur these fledgling designers along? Well I am sorry script kiddies but that is the wrong idea. Sure you could see what that flag does to this line of code, or this variable does to this artifact, but the fact is I don't see folks doing that. NO instead I keep seeing the same designs over and over again, I am sorry but clearly these "Designers" are not doing this they are putting together as much of the demo stuff as they can, MAYBE make some unique art or add a snippet of their story here and there, but for what I see. I see a helluva lot of asset flipping, hoping to have that trifle Astroturf feeling of accomplishment. Maybe they will learn? Maybe they won't? I am not them. But I do know is that they will LEARN, that these sub par to abysmal posts are libel to only garner blams (well at least from me) and maybe the occasional sympathetic comment.

People like quality they really do and folks, we are not your damn game design instructors. We really are not here to dump off your first ever attempt at game design, as frankly we don't care. We are here to enjoy teh content by everyone. However what we do want to see is you using that wonderful thing here called the dumping grounds more often to send your alpha V. 0.000000001 projects too. IT will save you from having to see my orange fluffy face on the comments section of YOUR game. AS frankly folks I  am tired. I am tired of seeing the same looking, same juniors' first game design garbage in the freaking judgment. I would rather see your game after you have spent quite some time on it, perfecting it to the best of your ability. Make sure its even playable, or not some test screen that many folks just go, is that it?

Trust this fellow here, I know good games. I have played hundreds, from the Atari, all the way to modern Blockbuster hits. I have seen good design, bad design, and WTF designs from all designers big or small. I would really like to see some impressive things to come form the next greats, and yall are in there somewhere, but you have to get all the bad ideas out first. AND to quote Extra Credits, FAIL FASTER. IN there lurking in the naivety and bright hopeful faces of you kids is the next Super meat boy, Dust the Elysian Tail, or Guacamelee. But you have got work, to do the captains and the kings have departed and with them the old ways, so rise up really PUSH your self and show what you can do, no more of this cut and paste stuff, TRY! And with time and ALOT of effort you could see all you have worked for meaningfully will come in, or it won't who knows.  SO make Unity the Next Flash, and really push what this great tool can do!

IF not then expect me. I don't give mercy for your first game just because its your first, unless I see a spark of something actually in there, or an attempt at making the game great. It needs to have SOME kind of redeeming factor to it if not then well I just don't see your game to be done enough or good enough. If that pisses you off, good! Use that righteous anger to prove me wrong, put me and all the other critics in their place and show you can do better. I am not telling you to NOT make games I am telling you TO DO BETTER,

And to all as always, I say good luck and keep working, Impress me, but more importantly impress yourselves on what you can do.

That is all.

Recent Game Medals

bruUGHNO 25 Points You knew he'd be in this game somewheres Medal Stats.
Patron of Tunes 5 Points Listen to a song linked in the credits Medal Stats.
Rank: CA 50 Points Achieve the Rank CA Medal Stats.
Golden Boy 100 Points Find all 60 unique fails Medal Stats.
Waldo 5 Points Where is he? Medal Stats.
Rise and Shine 25 Points Wake up and smell the snow Medal Stats.
xXn00bslayerXx 10 Points *Obnoxious Airhorn Sound* Medal Stats.
Rank: GI 50 Points Achieve the Rank GI Medal Stats.
SECRET MEDAL 5 Points Unlock this medal to see it's details. Medal Stats.
Rank: IRO 50 Points Achieve the Rank IRO Medal Stats.

Total Medals Earned: 881 (From 97 different games.)